The refusal of Ron Paul supporters to quietly shrivel up and die has many concerned citizens sensing a vast conspiracy of unparalleled proportions.
“It’s really scary,” said Emily Wonkette. “I’m afraid the Paultards will kill somebody. Don’t they know that it’s over? Paul can’t win, but they still keep trying to bring up issues and get people to listen to them. Why don’t they just shut up? If people were concerned about issues, we wouldn’t have CNN.”
Even people calling themselves Libertarians fear the Paul conspiracy.
“We Libertarians had a perfectly good thing going on,” complained Jamie Kirchick, rumored to be a reporter. “We would sit around and put together position papers on stuff like eliminating the US Postal Service and turning the roads over to corporations. People thought we were wackos, but smart wackos. Along comes this Ron Paul guy and starts talking about getting us out of foreign entanglements and following the constitution. Quixotic proposals like that attract people dumb enough to think that we can actually do something. We all know libertarianism isn’t about anything like that. It’s about empty intellectual pursuits and reading Randian romances. How stupid can you be?”
Gerald Burgermeister, a republican businessman, scoffed at the conspiracy’s naive foreign policy. “If we let those idiots have their way, pretty soon we won’t have any troops anywhere but here. Where would we be then? If we don’t go around forcing democracy on people, how do you expect democracy to flourish? They’re not going to vote it in unless we set up free elections with candidates of our choosing. If it works here, it works there. We need to protect our interests, and you can’t do that by minding your own business.”
“I hear they took over the Nevada Republican Convention and ran all the decent people out of there,” added Mrs. Burgermeister, who does most of the thinking in the Burgermeister household. “Bad manners generally reflect bad policy. Worse than that, Ron Paul recently wrote a manifesto. I guess you know who else writes manifestos. Communists. That’s who. Those people scare me.”
In the interest of fairness, a reporter for gunnersykes.com tried to contact Ayn Rand to comment on her novels being called romances, but found out she was dead.
Vice President Dick Cheney was unavailable for comment.